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A Small Shift Goes a Long Way...
Nov. 10th, 2023 12:51 amSo my best friend and I worked through our communication breakdown a week or two ago, but in the process something subtle shifted. I realized an aspect of her personality that is deeply held (and deeply protected) wherein she must keep her life hyper-compartmentalized. It appears that despite a handful of intimations otherwise, she has no intentions of ever introducing me to her family and that the only friends she does this with at all are a) parents of similarly-aged children who can play with her kids and b) not very close to begin with.
Once the emotional logjam was clear, I realized that I was no longer looking at her romantically. Maybe it's the heartaches of the past or the self-awareness of the present, but I'm just not capable of holding a flame for anyone who thinks the best way to be yourself is to keep every component of your life separate. I'm not sure I'm capable of being romantically interested in anyone who desires to keep things from me at all. (Note: this is not the same thing as something not coming up yet, or even, "I have a trauma and I'm not ready to discuss it but if we are close I will acknowledge it's there".)
(I can't know for certain, but without any shared closure from K back in the day, I have assumed her little corner of darkness -- which she acknowledged but explicitly said I'd never know -- festered after ten years unspoken.)
Hopefully this clearer boundary makes me a better friend to my current best friend, though as my hypomania has waned I've just been drained and a little awkward.
Oh yeah, and I learned a new word: lithromantic or akoiromantic or apromantic: to be attracted to someone emotionally without the desire or need for it to be reciprocated. Now I can't imagine not WANTING reciprocation, but I'd like to think I've gotten halfway decent at not NEEDING it. I think my friend N, who moved out of state last year, really helped me complete that journey. She was undergoing major illness and surgery and I felt like I needed to out those feelings before something happened to her, but my partner reminded me that she had a partner showing up for her and that making my feelings her problem would not be what she wanted in that time. I slipped and told her a couple years later, but she's been a good sport about it and it was way more casual than, "You might die next week, let me unburden my feels." Actually, I attended her wedding this summer and it was a joyous occasion -- other than the hail. But that's another story.
Once the emotional logjam was clear, I realized that I was no longer looking at her romantically. Maybe it's the heartaches of the past or the self-awareness of the present, but I'm just not capable of holding a flame for anyone who thinks the best way to be yourself is to keep every component of your life separate. I'm not sure I'm capable of being romantically interested in anyone who desires to keep things from me at all. (Note: this is not the same thing as something not coming up yet, or even, "I have a trauma and I'm not ready to discuss it but if we are close I will acknowledge it's there".)
(I can't know for certain, but without any shared closure from K back in the day, I have assumed her little corner of darkness -- which she acknowledged but explicitly said I'd never know -- festered after ten years unspoken.)
Hopefully this clearer boundary makes me a better friend to my current best friend, though as my hypomania has waned I've just been drained and a little awkward.
Oh yeah, and I learned a new word: lithromantic or akoiromantic or apromantic: to be attracted to someone emotionally without the desire or need for it to be reciprocated. Now I can't imagine not WANTING reciprocation, but I'd like to think I've gotten halfway decent at not NEEDING it. I think my friend N, who moved out of state last year, really helped me complete that journey. She was undergoing major illness and surgery and I felt like I needed to out those feelings before something happened to her, but my partner reminded me that she had a partner showing up for her and that making my feelings her problem would not be what she wanted in that time. I slipped and told her a couple years later, but she's been a good sport about it and it was way more casual than, "You might die next week, let me unburden my feels." Actually, I attended her wedding this summer and it was a joyous occasion -- other than the hail. But that's another story.
