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ganked from another conversation:
I mean maybe it just reflects that gender is contextual performance, and in some parts of our lives we were performing for the audience and some parts we're performing for ourselves.
I changed my name around the same time I started openly identifying as genderfluid, and even though I treated them as separate journeys they intermingled a lot. I have no problem referring to that earlier version of myself (to whit: I already refer to that era in the third person like another entity rather than a deadname, per se) as a "boy", but explicitly BOY: he was young and naïve and ignored his genderfuckery and a lot of other phenomena that have since come to define me.
I also think (and I've heard this from several other nonbinary folks of various flavors) there's something fluid about youth that is expected to become rigid and playless (antonym of playful that I just made up but should probably use somehow...) that is not available to "men" and "women". Gender constructs are socially prescribed, and I've often felt that cultures who are more rigid about binary genders are creating the need for third genders, whereas if a culture allowed for a less rigid spectrum some portion of trans folks may just be able to vibe within those broader, more flexible categories.
TL;DR: a culture can have a finite number of genders or it can have rigid gender boundaries, but it cannot have both. I envision this as a giant, flexible tent held up with two poles vs. an estate with two locked mansions and thousands of tiny houses being built on the lawn.
I mean maybe it just reflects that gender is contextual performance, and in some parts of our lives we were performing for the audience and some parts we're performing for ourselves.
I changed my name around the same time I started openly identifying as genderfluid, and even though I treated them as separate journeys they intermingled a lot. I have no problem referring to that earlier version of myself (to whit: I already refer to that era in the third person like another entity rather than a deadname, per se) as a "boy", but explicitly BOY: he was young and naïve and ignored his genderfuckery and a lot of other phenomena that have since come to define me.
I also think (and I've heard this from several other nonbinary folks of various flavors) there's something fluid about youth that is expected to become rigid and playless (antonym of playful that I just made up but should probably use somehow...) that is not available to "men" and "women". Gender constructs are socially prescribed, and I've often felt that cultures who are more rigid about binary genders are creating the need for third genders, whereas if a culture allowed for a less rigid spectrum some portion of trans folks may just be able to vibe within those broader, more flexible categories.
TL;DR: a culture can have a finite number of genders or it can have rigid gender boundaries, but it cannot have both. I envision this as a giant, flexible tent held up with two poles vs. an estate with two locked mansions and thousands of tiny houses being built on the lawn.
Hornt Nostalgia
Mar. 29th, 2024 12:15 amI realized tonight that the reason I feel such a strong urge to expand my expression of sexuality is not directly because of the isolation of remaining COVID-cautious, but because I was incomplete when I had the chance. I want a redo, because those days when I could be flirty and hyperverbal and got a lot of attention, most of those folks didn't actually know what to do with me. Even those partnerships that, for a time, seemed ideal were only partnered with an incomplete self, and I struggled for a long time to get people who fawned over me to see me as I really was, not just what they wanted to project on me.
Which, yeah, being dehumanized sucks, even if it's in a positive light, but I don't really take it personally now. I just miss the timing of it all. I'm not lonely because I'm getting older and less attractive, I'm lonely because this is the most me I've ever been and people are really fucking missing out.
I suppose it's a cliché of aging that we never know what we could do with a playground until we've already outgrown it, but in my case I can also lob blame on the capitalization of the Internet. Yeah, sure, if there weren't an ongoing pandemic there could be hookups or sex parties or whatever, but if it weren't for monopolizing sites like Facebook and FetLife, there could still be confessional blogging and erotica-swapping; if it weren't for photo-centric dating apps, I could write and browse intricate profiles and bask in the humanity and reflexivity of it all like I used to; if the community I tried to build all those years ago had half taken hold, we could hole up in a little corner of the internet and continue building those beautiful spaces as we once did... But none of these things are true.
And while I did alright with my partially formed self (most importantly, I managed to avoid regrets and protect others' feelings in most circumstances), I just wish something equivalent existed now that I understand my intuitions, my privileges, and why so many relationships rub against my sense of justice. And maybe we could have fun.
Which, yeah, being dehumanized sucks, even if it's in a positive light, but I don't really take it personally now. I just miss the timing of it all. I'm not lonely because I'm getting older and less attractive, I'm lonely because this is the most me I've ever been and people are really fucking missing out.
I suppose it's a cliché of aging that we never know what we could do with a playground until we've already outgrown it, but in my case I can also lob blame on the capitalization of the Internet. Yeah, sure, if there weren't an ongoing pandemic there could be hookups or sex parties or whatever, but if it weren't for monopolizing sites like Facebook and FetLife, there could still be confessional blogging and erotica-swapping; if it weren't for photo-centric dating apps, I could write and browse intricate profiles and bask in the humanity and reflexivity of it all like I used to; if the community I tried to build all those years ago had half taken hold, we could hole up in a little corner of the internet and continue building those beautiful spaces as we once did... But none of these things are true.
And while I did alright with my partially formed self (most importantly, I managed to avoid regrets and protect others' feelings in most circumstances), I just wish something equivalent existed now that I understand my intuitions, my privileges, and why so many relationships rub against my sense of justice. And maybe we could have fun.
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Neuro+Queer but not Neuroqueer?
Mar. 25th, 2024 02:18 pmJust learned that the person who first coined "neuroqueer" isn't someone whose work I want to be boosting, but I haven't heard any viable alternatives, so I'm wrestling with that.
There is a demonstrated correlation between neurodivergent traits and LGBTQ+ identities, so it only makes sense to have an intersectional term for someone whose neurodivergence affects their interest/ability in performing assigned gender. I doubt she's going to make any money off it at this point, but is that justification enough for continuing to use it?
There is a demonstrated correlation between neurodivergent traits and LGBTQ+ identities, so it only makes sense to have an intersectional term for someone whose neurodivergence affects their interest/ability in performing assigned gender. I doubt she's going to make any money off it at this point, but is that justification enough for continuing to use it?
Without going into the long version, suffice it to say I have a problematic relationship with leadership. As someone who is tall, male-ish, articulate, and white, I have often found myself elevated (dare I say privileged) in ways that did not necessarily match my skill set or even my emotional fitness for the moment. (It gets even more complicated when I step into such a role because I am qualified, but distrusting of my would-be followers because I haven't yet demonstrated why I'm a good fit.)
I posit that leadership (and by this I'm not sure if I mean all leadership or just leadership as I internalized it across my first 40ish years on this planet) is a parasocial relationship: people make assumptions about your knowledge, skills, and integrity, and then they may take it personally when you inevitably fail to live up to their expectations. They will sit quietly when you take a public stand, they will follow your tribulations without offering a comforting word, and they will pile up on you if the winds of popularity ever shift away from you.
( As such, I have triggers around leadership... )
Anyway, a new direction recently emerged for me to consider:
A lover read my tarot and told me I needed to stop getting hung up on it and instead seek out a matriarchal leadership. And I love this idea but I have no idea how to operationalize it. (One of womanism's foundational documents puts forth the idea of a "luxocracy" -- leadership by light -- but I recall it as aspirational rather than practicable and found nothing useful.) I suppose all I have to go on so far is the handful of true leaders and heroes I've ever known and how they were always driven by their love and support of others -- reciprocated or not -- and a vague sense that matriarchal leadership is less likely to be recorded or celebrated in a holiday (which resonates nicely with the Tao Te Ching).
No idea where this inquiry will lead (or even begin), but figure I'll share it here in case ideas emerge...
I posit that leadership (and by this I'm not sure if I mean all leadership or just leadership as I internalized it across my first 40ish years on this planet) is a parasocial relationship: people make assumptions about your knowledge, skills, and integrity, and then they may take it personally when you inevitably fail to live up to their expectations. They will sit quietly when you take a public stand, they will follow your tribulations without offering a comforting word, and they will pile up on you if the winds of popularity ever shift away from you.
( As such, I have triggers around leadership... )
Anyway, a new direction recently emerged for me to consider:
A lover read my tarot and told me I needed to stop getting hung up on it and instead seek out a matriarchal leadership. And I love this idea but I have no idea how to operationalize it. (One of womanism's foundational documents puts forth the idea of a "luxocracy" -- leadership by light -- but I recall it as aspirational rather than practicable and found nothing useful.) I suppose all I have to go on so far is the handful of true leaders and heroes I've ever known and how they were always driven by their love and support of others -- reciprocated or not -- and a vague sense that matriarchal leadership is less likely to be recorded or celebrated in a holiday (which resonates nicely with the Tao Te Ching).
No idea where this inquiry will lead (or even begin), but figure I'll share it here in case ideas emerge...
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