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Hornt Nostalgia
Mar. 29th, 2024 12:15 amI realized tonight that the reason I feel such a strong urge to expand my expression of sexuality is not directly because of the isolation of remaining COVID-cautious, but because I was incomplete when I had the chance. I want a redo, because those days when I could be flirty and hyperverbal and got a lot of attention, most of those folks didn't actually know what to do with me. Even those partnerships that, for a time, seemed ideal were only partnered with an incomplete self, and I struggled for a long time to get people who fawned over me to see me as I really was, not just what they wanted to project on me.
Which, yeah, being dehumanized sucks, even if it's in a positive light, but I don't really take it personally now. I just miss the timing of it all. I'm not lonely because I'm getting older and less attractive, I'm lonely because this is the most me I've ever been and people are really fucking missing out.
I suppose it's a cliché of aging that we never know what we could do with a playground until we've already outgrown it, but in my case I can also lob blame on the capitalization of the Internet. Yeah, sure, if there weren't an ongoing pandemic there could be hookups or sex parties or whatever, but if it weren't for monopolizing sites like Facebook and FetLife, there could still be confessional blogging and erotica-swapping; if it weren't for photo-centric dating apps, I could write and browse intricate profiles and bask in the humanity and reflexivity of it all like I used to; if the community I tried to build all those years ago had half taken hold, we could hole up in a little corner of the internet and continue building those beautiful spaces as we once did... But none of these things are true.
And while I did alright with my partially formed self (most importantly, I managed to avoid regrets and protect others' feelings in most circumstances), I just wish something equivalent existed now that I understand my intuitions, my privileges, and why so many relationships rub against my sense of justice. And maybe we could have fun.
Which, yeah, being dehumanized sucks, even if it's in a positive light, but I don't really take it personally now. I just miss the timing of it all. I'm not lonely because I'm getting older and less attractive, I'm lonely because this is the most me I've ever been and people are really fucking missing out.
I suppose it's a cliché of aging that we never know what we could do with a playground until we've already outgrown it, but in my case I can also lob blame on the capitalization of the Internet. Yeah, sure, if there weren't an ongoing pandemic there could be hookups or sex parties or whatever, but if it weren't for monopolizing sites like Facebook and FetLife, there could still be confessional blogging and erotica-swapping; if it weren't for photo-centric dating apps, I could write and browse intricate profiles and bask in the humanity and reflexivity of it all like I used to; if the community I tried to build all those years ago had half taken hold, we could hole up in a little corner of the internet and continue building those beautiful spaces as we once did... But none of these things are true.
And while I did alright with my partially formed self (most importantly, I managed to avoid regrets and protect others' feelings in most circumstances), I just wish something equivalent existed now that I understand my intuitions, my privileges, and why so many relationships rub against my sense of justice. And maybe we could have fun.
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