Draft Debrief
Jul. 10th, 2025 01:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
genderjumperAs someone who has done a lot of unpaid labor and a lot of virtual events, I appreciate the occasion of a good debrief. My trip to NYC was such a slog that I'm going to need to debrief on multiple fronts, so this is gonna be practice:
The drive up was harder than I had hoped. My endurance held out (barely) but with a lot more stops and achiness than I had hoped. And the hospitality was nil. There's a whole swathe of western Virginia that I will never drive through again (I still owe an angry letter to that one place that threw us out at 1 in the morning because we were an interracial couple wearing masks with lots of bags or something; Activist Hottie (AH) says the room was filthy anyway).
I made three major mistakes on the trip, all of which presumed that I was cleverer than I actually am and created significant delays. Mistake #1 was planning to drop the car in Trenton and take one or more trains (spoiler: it was 4+a taxi) the rest of the way. I'd overlooked that our late arrival might hinder our options, that New Jersey is only about the size of the Metroplex, and that simplicity is almost always better for spoonies (I promise I've learned that last one and will never forget it again). Anyway, we got to NYC at dawn and it was pretty awesome to see the city again, especially in the wee hours.
We basically spent all of our recovery time actually recovering and saw nothing that wasn't a stone's throw from Union Square Park until the event started. Luckily, that's a hopping place, and there was a lot of food and people-watching to be had there.
The Event itself was a 2-week dance intensive for disabled BIPOC performers. Once it began, we both started to feel a little out of our element. AH was there as a program manager (one of five, without further specialization so far as I could tell) and I got paid to be her Personal Care Assistant (PCA). For a lot of reasons that weren't personal but arguably were avoidable, AH was left out of planning and a lot of things were thrown together last-minute; this left her with an uncertain role and a schedule that taxed her physically (twice I had to make my way down to the dance studio and escort her back to the hotel). One of the other staff member was unprepared to work with white people in the room (which I respect), so I made myself scarce -- the personal care AH needed was heavy on driving, errands, body work, and processing, but I did sometimes wonder how that appeared to people who were getting paid to support others with higher needs. So I was the least visible PCA for the least visible staffer, and we both lamented that we felt left out of the hard-core bonding that clearly happened.
We never got to sight-see much, but we did try to incorporate networking into our journey. On our only day off through the intensive (there were recovery and travel days before and after), we took the subway up to the Bronx and connect with a couple of community educators we knew. The following Monday, we met up with my college sweetheart, who arrived with hundreds of dollars of Audubon swag for my family back home. On our final day in town, we hosted mycuddlebuddy long-distance lover (we finally got some naked time! after three years!) from upstate NY and later hosted a karaoke party with other PCAs in our hotel room. (We were super strict about masking and testing daily; that last day we just kind of let loose, but only with people who'd been cautious alongside us.) We never had as much energy as we wanted, but we tended to have as much as we needed.
Mistake #2: On a day when AH had to tap out early, we recovered in the hotel and then decided to do something with the extra time. I guided us to Chinatown for a late lunch, but finding food took a while, getting it took even longer, and I barely made it without a total calorie crash. Only then did I discover that my beloved Blue Stockings was closed on Mondays. We didn't have the spoons for a back-up plan, and I think we probably taxied back.
I was fully prepared to rely on the shuttle, train, or taxi whenever AH needed it, but I was unprepared for how low my walking endurance was. My rough estimate (I need to dig into my Goggle timeline to be sure) is that I walked about 50 miles, about the same distance I covered last time I was there. Trouble is, last time was only 5 days and this was 15. I even rented a bicycle a few times and found them harder than I ever would have imagined (biking to elementary and middle school is where I got my awesome calves, not that you can tell when my legs are swollen, but I'm getting ahead of myself). That last trip, I was on Sudafed and a shoestring budget and I came home 20 pounds lighter; I haven't found a scale since I got back, but the new stretch mark on my belly makes me skeptical that I lost anything, and my endurance never improved. Except for one day, I was lucky to make it a block before I started pouring sweat (that other day, when it was like 62ºF/17ºC, I made it about half a mile). But it's also hard to say, because on my first day I made the brilliant choice to walk down 20 flights of stairs and my legs ached for days afterward, hindering any possibility of momentum. It was hot there and some of the days were "wet bulb" days, but honestly I could hardly tell the difference. Even since I've gotten home, I sometimes cross a room and have to catch my breath before I can speak!
We were eating well -- maybe a little richer, because we could afford to -- but hardly a dump of calories or junk food relative to what we would eat back home, and I was experimenting with my sugar and salt intake. Sugar experiments had started back home a few months ago -- I've found that if I consume more sugar I don't get sudden hunger headaches, I just start to get tired; it's still faster than I'd like but not as abrupt and painful by far. After AH overheated one day, we started keeping Gatorade around, soon it was a daily staple, and by the time we got home my ankles were swollen due to what I'm told was probably too much salt!
Mistake #3: On our final day in NYC, not only did I insist on the hare-brained train "shortcut" again (to be fair, every car for 300 miles was already booked), but I almost got us stranded more than once. I spent $300 of AH's money on Amtrak tickets, but was told they couldn't accommodate our wagon full of bags. Luckily, I maneuvered a refund, but around this time I lost my own bank card. I bought us New Jersey Transit tickets to Philadelphia and redirected us once we got to Trenton (we still have two SEPTA tickets good through the end of the year if anyone is traveling...). Though Amtrak didn't prevent us from bringing on the wagon, the fare was still high (we'd lost a couple of hours just to save like $50) and there was enough grumbling from a conductor that AH had a meltdown.
On the drive back, we hoped to connect with nearly a dozen people, but logistical delays (even beyond what I just listed) cut that in half. Sunday coffee with my D.C. mentor and a colleague in LGBTQ+ aging was canceled because we couldn't make the time, but we completely flaked on a couple of others. We had to make it to North Carolina (through central Virginia this time) in time to see my bestie,flamingsword, as well as a former coworker and her partner. The conversation was great and the onion-free queso surprisingly good, but I worry that my pass-through made the distance all the more real for how briefly it was overcome. It felt a little like the (multiple) beverages that I paid for in Manhattan yet forgot to pick up: too good to miss and yet somehow I didn't make enough of the opportunity. Anyway, we hustled farther to Tennessee in the rain and crashed with AH's mom. The last day was largely uneventful, just long, and I made it to bed somewhere around 4 or 5am.
It didn't take as long as I feared for my nesting partner to warm to me once we got back; she was thoughtful and attentive about the ardor of the trip. That said, I lost two friends from my burnout server and have so many questions about my bodymind that I'm probably going to resume regular therapy sessions (I've been as-needed for a couple years now).
Highlights: I have a lot of negative that necessitates this debrief, but I must make space for the things that went well, too:
Food: Not only was the food incredible, with widely available and accommodating options on every corner, but I was mildly disturbed to find that the majority of it was no more expensive in NYC than it is here in North Texas. My working theory is that all of these national chains and distributors who've been price-gouging us since 2020 are also trying to simplify their prices, making them more uniform across the U.S. despite logistical extremes. There's also something to be said for how much my executive function improves when I have fast and affordable (as in we had a budget) food and don't have to spend a lot of spoons on planning, groceries, cooking, or storage.
Singing: The drive up, the drive back, and the karaoke night constituted the most singing I've done in nearly a decade, and they reaffirmed everything I love about my voice. The only downside I found is that singing still falls under "good stress is still stress" and I can't sing once I am cognitively tired.
Pacing: As much as I lament the long walks I used to love, I did complete every walk I began. Furthermore, I found that most any disruption or exhaustion could be overcome by pausing before taking my next steps. That pause often involved food, people-watching, and up to an hour of silence, but it worked every time.
Presence: from navigating my ambivalent presence at the dance intensive to catching myself grumbling when overwhelmed, no personal problem couldn't be improved by getting out of my own way and focusing on the mission, and for the most part I think I succeeded.
Affection: AH and I travel well together overall, though maybe two weeks would be gentler on our hearts than three.
The drive up was harder than I had hoped. My endurance held out (barely) but with a lot more stops and achiness than I had hoped. And the hospitality was nil. There's a whole swathe of western Virginia that I will never drive through again (I still owe an angry letter to that one place that threw us out at 1 in the morning because we were an interracial couple wearing masks with lots of bags or something; Activist Hottie (AH) says the room was filthy anyway).
I made three major mistakes on the trip, all of which presumed that I was cleverer than I actually am and created significant delays. Mistake #1 was planning to drop the car in Trenton and take one or more trains (spoiler: it was 4+a taxi) the rest of the way. I'd overlooked that our late arrival might hinder our options, that New Jersey is only about the size of the Metroplex, and that simplicity is almost always better for spoonies (I promise I've learned that last one and will never forget it again). Anyway, we got to NYC at dawn and it was pretty awesome to see the city again, especially in the wee hours.
We basically spent all of our recovery time actually recovering and saw nothing that wasn't a stone's throw from Union Square Park until the event started. Luckily, that's a hopping place, and there was a lot of food and people-watching to be had there.
The Event itself was a 2-week dance intensive for disabled BIPOC performers. Once it began, we both started to feel a little out of our element. AH was there as a program manager (one of five, without further specialization so far as I could tell) and I got paid to be her Personal Care Assistant (PCA). For a lot of reasons that weren't personal but arguably were avoidable, AH was left out of planning and a lot of things were thrown together last-minute; this left her with an uncertain role and a schedule that taxed her physically (twice I had to make my way down to the dance studio and escort her back to the hotel). One of the other staff member was unprepared to work with white people in the room (which I respect), so I made myself scarce -- the personal care AH needed was heavy on driving, errands, body work, and processing, but I did sometimes wonder how that appeared to people who were getting paid to support others with higher needs. So I was the least visible PCA for the least visible staffer, and we both lamented that we felt left out of the hard-core bonding that clearly happened.
We never got to sight-see much, but we did try to incorporate networking into our journey. On our only day off through the intensive (there were recovery and travel days before and after), we took the subway up to the Bronx and connect with a couple of community educators we knew. The following Monday, we met up with my college sweetheart, who arrived with hundreds of dollars of Audubon swag for my family back home. On our final day in town, we hosted my
Mistake #2: On a day when AH had to tap out early, we recovered in the hotel and then decided to do something with the extra time. I guided us to Chinatown for a late lunch, but finding food took a while, getting it took even longer, and I barely made it without a total calorie crash. Only then did I discover that my beloved Blue Stockings was closed on Mondays. We didn't have the spoons for a back-up plan, and I think we probably taxied back.
I was fully prepared to rely on the shuttle, train, or taxi whenever AH needed it, but I was unprepared for how low my walking endurance was. My rough estimate (I need to dig into my Goggle timeline to be sure) is that I walked about 50 miles, about the same distance I covered last time I was there. Trouble is, last time was only 5 days and this was 15. I even rented a bicycle a few times and found them harder than I ever would have imagined (biking to elementary and middle school is where I got my awesome calves, not that you can tell when my legs are swollen, but I'm getting ahead of myself). That last trip, I was on Sudafed and a shoestring budget and I came home 20 pounds lighter; I haven't found a scale since I got back, but the new stretch mark on my belly makes me skeptical that I lost anything, and my endurance never improved. Except for one day, I was lucky to make it a block before I started pouring sweat (that other day, when it was like 62ºF/17ºC, I made it about half a mile). But it's also hard to say, because on my first day I made the brilliant choice to walk down 20 flights of stairs and my legs ached for days afterward, hindering any possibility of momentum. It was hot there and some of the days were "wet bulb" days, but honestly I could hardly tell the difference. Even since I've gotten home, I sometimes cross a room and have to catch my breath before I can speak!
We were eating well -- maybe a little richer, because we could afford to -- but hardly a dump of calories or junk food relative to what we would eat back home, and I was experimenting with my sugar and salt intake. Sugar experiments had started back home a few months ago -- I've found that if I consume more sugar I don't get sudden hunger headaches, I just start to get tired; it's still faster than I'd like but not as abrupt and painful by far. After AH overheated one day, we started keeping Gatorade around, soon it was a daily staple, and by the time we got home my ankles were swollen due to what I'm told was probably too much salt!
Mistake #3: On our final day in NYC, not only did I insist on the hare-brained train "shortcut" again (to be fair, every car for 300 miles was already booked), but I almost got us stranded more than once. I spent $300 of AH's money on Amtrak tickets, but was told they couldn't accommodate our wagon full of bags. Luckily, I maneuvered a refund, but around this time I lost my own bank card. I bought us New Jersey Transit tickets to Philadelphia and redirected us once we got to Trenton (we still have two SEPTA tickets good through the end of the year if anyone is traveling...). Though Amtrak didn't prevent us from bringing on the wagon, the fare was still high (we'd lost a couple of hours just to save like $50) and there was enough grumbling from a conductor that AH had a meltdown.
On the drive back, we hoped to connect with nearly a dozen people, but logistical delays (even beyond what I just listed) cut that in half. Sunday coffee with my D.C. mentor and a colleague in LGBTQ+ aging was canceled because we couldn't make the time, but we completely flaked on a couple of others. We had to make it to North Carolina (through central Virginia this time) in time to see my bestie,
flamingsword, as well as a former coworker and her partner. The conversation was great and the onion-free queso surprisingly good, but I worry that my pass-through made the distance all the more real for how briefly it was overcome. It felt a little like the (multiple) beverages that I paid for in Manhattan yet forgot to pick up: too good to miss and yet somehow I didn't make enough of the opportunity. Anyway, we hustled farther to Tennessee in the rain and crashed with AH's mom. The last day was largely uneventful, just long, and I made it to bed somewhere around 4 or 5am.It didn't take as long as I feared for my nesting partner to warm to me once we got back; she was thoughtful and attentive about the ardor of the trip. That said, I lost two friends from my burnout server and have so many questions about my bodymind that I'm probably going to resume regular therapy sessions (I've been as-needed for a couple years now).
Highlights: I have a lot of negative that necessitates this debrief, but I must make space for the things that went well, too:
Food: Not only was the food incredible, with widely available and accommodating options on every corner, but I was mildly disturbed to find that the majority of it was no more expensive in NYC than it is here in North Texas. My working theory is that all of these national chains and distributors who've been price-gouging us since 2020 are also trying to simplify their prices, making them more uniform across the U.S. despite logistical extremes. There's also something to be said for how much my executive function improves when I have fast and affordable (as in we had a budget) food and don't have to spend a lot of spoons on planning, groceries, cooking, or storage.
Singing: The drive up, the drive back, and the karaoke night constituted the most singing I've done in nearly a decade, and they reaffirmed everything I love about my voice. The only downside I found is that singing still falls under "good stress is still stress" and I can't sing once I am cognitively tired.
Pacing: As much as I lament the long walks I used to love, I did complete every walk I began. Furthermore, I found that most any disruption or exhaustion could be overcome by pausing before taking my next steps. That pause often involved food, people-watching, and up to an hour of silence, but it worked every time.
Presence: from navigating my ambivalent presence at the dance intensive to catching myself grumbling when overwhelmed, no personal problem couldn't be improved by getting out of my own way and focusing on the mission, and for the most part I think I succeeded.
Affection: AH and I travel well together overall, though maybe two weeks would be gentler on our hearts than three.
Overall, though, I can't help wondering if the era of the road trip is over. Every stage is way harder than it needs to be, and every place I stopped is one mobile outage away from wasting away.
I'm so glad I enjoyed it while I had the chance.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-12 01:13 am (UTC)I’m glad your trip was not 100% slog; that’s good to hear.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-12 06:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-07-12 10:23 am (UTC)In other topics! My friend
no subject
Date: 2025-07-19 06:12 pm (UTC)I will absolutely follow your musical friend!