genderjumper | Entries tagged with nesting partner

I had some wins tonight. One silly, one actually really important to me, but I sort of accosted my disabled partner on her way to bed to tell her about them and was really hurt that she wouldn't pause to acknowledge or congratulate me.

I probably have a couple of friends I could pester this late, but that's not really what I need. My friends are always supportive, they're just not always around. My partner is supportive, she just isn't always... present (and it has nothing to do with me when she can't be). But I don't really have extended family any more and the same can be said for community, and I'm so eager to be someplace new and try again...

But I'm also aware that's a lot to put on new people. And a lot to put on myself. And still carries some assumption of stability that may not be within our control.

I've gotten really good at needing very little social support -- not in a way that minimizes myself, just more rooted, durable, and efficient. I wanted a moment to feel excited and not be thinking about how to leverage it into marketing myself.

But I guess it's time to move on and think about how to leverage it into marketing...

*****

As I was writing that last line, she came out and asked for a redo. We're okay. Living with chronic pain is like this sometimes. Learning to be judicious with how much I depend on her has made me a stronger, more sensitive person overall and I wouldn't give that up. She's there when it matters. I just miss having a larger intimate network.

For the past few years, holidays and birthdays have undergone a transformation for me. It's hard to safely gather; when money's tight it's hard to save up the money to do something special; and when your relationship with time is changing it can be hard to find inspiration. Even before the pandemic, it was hard to match the holidays of my youth or the community feel of polycules past, but if you'd seen me then I was fucking miserable. How many Chrismases in a row did I sleep through after staying up until 4 trying to get everyone else's presents perfect? Not really out of joy, mind you, just out of a sense of obligation. I was trying to pour my affection out for a lot of people but I didn't have the organizational skills (or energy reserves) to do justice for most.

When my best friend emeritus and I talked last week, she confessed disappointment that I hadn't put much effort into her past couple of birthdays or holidays. But I'm slowly coming to terms with gift-giving not really being my thing right now. I'm not sure I've ever been as good at it as I thought, and these days I'm comfortable putting as little effort as I can justify (and with so much going on, it becomes a lot).

But I don't want to be solipsistic about it.

Today is going to be my nesting partner's birthday, but her father is in the hospital and our plans are waylaid. I'm not sure either of us has the initiative to dream up something bigger than a custard run.

But here's the thing: if we go on that custard run, we'll blast great music, we'll laugh and hold hands, and we'll feel so fucking loved by the little things that the custard won't matter. This is someone who has sewn her wild oats and experienced a wide range of affections and she draws comfort from acts of service now. It matters to her a lot more that I show up for her every day and there's no one I'd rather be stuck in an apocalypse with. I want to do more, but if I put a lot of time and energy into some big gesture or gift, what other quality time would I be sacrificing? What other responsibilities might I ignore or forget?

I can't explain all this to emeritus. She's learning to value herself (perhaps for the first time) and I honor that for her, but I also can't really tell her about all the heavy stuff going on in my life (and she never bothers to ask).

I kinda want to do a Facebook post for my partner's birthday, but I don't want it to detract from everything else we have going on (and there's no guarantee she'd even see it this month). I'm mostly going to focus on showing up.

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Gender Jumper

Entries tagged with nesting partner

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