genderjumper: cartoon giraffe, chewing greens, wearing cap & bells (Default)
It was a resounding success. The food, the company, the sense of community. Some highlights:

Quite possibly the most beautiful moment I've ever shared with my household was watching my nesting partner and Kiddo simultaneously holding court in a room full of adults. Everyone was completely focused on one or the other of them, their similar speech cadences offered a strangely stable syncopation, and I just got to bask in the moment that I made happen. It's hard to convey just how rare and precious this moment was, but the short version is they're both autistic and very selective about opening up in group spaces. It was glorious and I get teary just thinking about it.

We went with an indigenous and regional vibe, since Kiddo is trying to build connections with her indigenous ancestry and we're a fairly decolonial bunch. Bison tacos, fry bread, esquites, and homemade tortilla soup were among the highlights. 

Storytelling was also a highlight. I confessed to everyone my intentions of building a stronger sense of community between maskers in this area so they'd all have each other to lean on once we finally GTFO. I got brave and shared a little bit about my time magic.

Returning with my party-superstar vibes (and honestly, these are the most successful events I've ever hosted without major assists, so that's a whole other layer) reminded me of days before COVID, before grad school, mostly even before caregiving, when I could just show up at a party and, at peak, vacillate easily between observant wallflower and center of attention in cycles. But since I didn't need to hold court for more than one story at a time, I didn't try to create or hold onto it, it just flowed, and I think it did for everyone else as well. With all that relaxation (and a bit of weed, though I myself never partake), a strong undercurrent of flirtation also emerged, and it felt like being at a polyamorous party again. I really missed that openness (didn't I journal about it here a couple years ago???), and have been savoring the afterglow a little too much.

I don't know if anyone's really interested. I'm not sure any of us have the capacity to even just have fun without complications these days. But damn, it feels good to be attractive and attracted and I'm going to bask in that a bit too.
genderjumper: cartoon giraffe, chewing greens, wearing cap & bells (Default)
For the past few years, holidays and birthdays have undergone a transformation for me. It's hard to safely gather; when money's tight it's hard to save up the money to do something special; and when your relationship with time is changing it can be hard to find inspiration. Even before the pandemic, it was hard to match the holidays of my youth or the community feel of polycules past, but if you'd seen me then I was fucking miserable. How many Chrismases in a row did I sleep through after staying up until 4 trying to get everyone else's presents perfect? Not really out of joy, mind you, just out of a sense of obligation. I was trying to pour my affection out for a lot of people but I didn't have the organizational skills (or energy reserves) to do justice for most.

When my best friend emeritus and I talked last week, she confessed disappointment that I hadn't put much effort into her past couple of birthdays or holidays. But I'm slowly coming to terms with gift-giving not really being my thing right now. I'm not sure I've ever been as good at it as I thought, and these days I'm comfortable putting as little effort as I can justify (and with so much going on, it becomes a lot).

But I don't want to be solipsistic about it.

Today is going to be my nesting partner's birthday, but her father is in the hospital and our plans are waylaid. I'm not sure either of us has the initiative to dream up something bigger than a custard run.

But here's the thing: if we go on that custard run, we'll blast great music, we'll laugh and hold hands, and we'll feel so fucking loved by the little things that the custard won't matter. This is someone who has sewn her wild oats and experienced a wide range of affections and she draws comfort from acts of service now. It matters to her a lot more that I show up for her every day and there's no one I'd rather be stuck in an apocalypse with. I want to do more, but if I put a lot of time and energy into some big gesture or gift, what other quality time would I be sacrificing? What other responsibilities might I ignore or forget?

I can't explain all this to emeritus. She's learning to value herself (perhaps for the first time) and I honor that for her, but I also can't really tell her about all the heavy stuff going on in my life (and she never bothers to ask).

I kinda want to do a Facebook post for my partner's birthday, but I don't want it to detract from everything else we have going on (and there's no guarantee she'd even see it this month). I'm mostly going to focus on showing up.

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