Gender Jumper

Back when I was facilitating Poly101s/201s, I think we struggled to get to the questions underneath the questions; this entry's title came to me as one of the simplest questions that doesn't get asked and, as such, hinders so many people's understanding of their own relational values. Ethics, orientation, priorities, negotiation, a lot of it comes back to this:

"If there were no emotional, logistical, or financial hindrances nor benefits to doing so, would you pursue sexual pleasure for its own sake (and if so, how much)?"

This is also my quick and dirty measure of what someone may have of their place on the asexual spectrum (which is a real and valid phenomenon, but I have seen interpreted in such extremes as to supplant the existence of what we used to call "chemistry" (as in, "those two have a real chemistry together," I wonder if they'll fuck? Honestly "alchemy" might be better used here, but that's a whole other topic). 

Anyway, I think a lot of people would have difficulty answering the question, and that's a good thing. They should slow down and pay attention to how their answers vary from others'.

Religious and hyper-monogamous types are pretty straightforward: the answer is no because it is wrong or undesirable to them. You're not going to convince them otherwise, nor should you! (Shoutout to my college sweetheart, who at the tender age of 44 recently had nonromantic sex for the first time. I'm so proud!) Others are fully asexual and would prefer to pursue some other kind of pleasure guilt-free. A very very few of us will be able to answer in the straightforward, "Yes, absolutely." We may or may not have higher libidos than average, but we are significantly less encumbered with moral and cultural scripts about what sex is "supposed to" connote than others. Either we grew up with fewer of them or we've done a lot of personal work to unpack and reevaluate them (and perhaps most frequently a bit of both, as in my own case). And we, of course, still have to think carefully about the rest of the question, because there is reality behind the abstract: if we were to construct our lives in such a way that pleasure were more easily accessible, what would we be willing to sacrifice? Time? Status? Emotions?

The overwhelming majority of folks I've met would have difficulty accepting the premise, because they have never been able (whether from external influence or internal enforcement) to disentangle their own values from the values others have placed on them. Pleasure has baggage for them, and this baggage is the real reason for asking the question. "What are you holding onto that makes this question so difficult?" Their character, meanwhile, is demonstrated by how they might sit with such discomfort: are they intrigued, frustrated, or even upset? Not many people (nonmonogamous or otherwise) are any good at negotiating multiple relationships, power dynamics (real or imagined), and social exile for making an unpopular choice unless they have leaned into such inquiry.

Back in March, I started a 90-day course of an SSRI as a response to suspected Long COVID. Before I started it, I developed an ordinal chart for tracking my own "spoons" in categories that seemed important to me. I recorded my ranges under a variety of conditions (lows were mostly based on peak burnout last November, highs were mostly based on hypomanic cycles pre-COVID) and promptly forgot about it.

But I think that's a good thing. I am now 30+ days past the SSRI course and nearly a month out from my trip to NYC. And using this chart helps me focus on where things are significantly better, minutely better, or unchanged, so I can report that to my doctor. Here's a summary of the categories and my recent changes:

Push
How well can I accomplish a short but intensive physical activity, like loading a refrigerator on a dolly?
Shows some of the greatest improvement but not consistency. Still room to grow, but I'm no longer terrified that I couldn't respond to an emergency without a severe and immediate crash.

Endurance
How long can I be physically active without needing rest?
Moderate improvement, plenty of room for more.

Focus
How long can I focus on one project without needing rest?
Surprisingly no movement. "Follow-through requires intention" is still my high and "Minor difficulties with everyday tasks" is still my low.

Executive Function
How well can I make decisions and plan ahead?
Moderate improvement, room for more.

Emotional
How intense and manageable are my feelings?
No real change, but probably the one that least needed improvement. (So grateful for all the work I did on this as an adolescent.)

Transitions
How well do I navigate "transition time", i.e. shifting focus to a new activity, with or without warning?
Slight improvement, with lots of room to grow. (This one has been one of the greatest shocks to my way of life over the past year; I never used to have to think about transition time unless it was toward something unpleasant.)

Recovery (Waves)
If I expend a lot of energy, then rest, can I get some back -- i.e. a "second wave"?
Slight improvement, but was and remains my worst category. (What I do now is starting to look more like pacing, but I think there's a lot to learn and practice -- I don't think the doctor needs to hear it, but I should write about it more.)

Nutrition
Do I still need to eat a lot of protein every 3 hours (with snacks in-between) and what happens if I don't?
Moderate improvement from March, but a world better than last November the past 10+ years thanks to introducing a small but steady source of sugar into my diet. (This one probably warrants some backstory as well.)

So I guess I'll be talking to the doctor about focus and transition time, as well as reporting that nutritional and sleep adjustments seem to be helping.

1. Navigating a squishy flexible workload so there's enough time for the concrete elements to actually get done.
2. When and how to refer out a client whose emotional needs are more than I can handle and interfering with care support.
3. How to seal the deal with squishes: I want these people in my life and/or work and there's no time to hold back.
4. The Ordinal Chaos Index: some vague but ongoing measure of how chaotic things are on a personal, communal, or population scale.
5. Time to start closing doors again on people who are not engaging me on social media despite good faith efforts.
6. I probably also need help translating prospective clients into paychecks, colleagues into mentors/mentees.
7. Do I bother warning my friends and communities that now is the time to invest in communal support, not to wait for their rugged individualism to catch up? If so, how? If not, how do I let go of the notion I should.
8. Do I need to be more proactive in sharing my own foibles on social media? If so, who am I sharing them for? If not, why not?
9. (2a?) Am I becoming a magnet for energy vampires or am I actually helping them? What are my expectations and limitations either way?
10. My coaching work needs clearer goals, for me and for the clients.

But I'm not. I'm still building intentions around the future Free saw for himself and his (my) family. Many times this year, I was tempted to give up on taking the pandemic this seriously and just make a go of that future anyway. But something would hold me back, and sure enough a new variant wave would appear shortly thereafter. Guess I'm not completely out of touch with the future, after all -- maybe it's me, my perception/read. So before I start a deeper thinky on where I need to direct my focus in 2022, I think I need to do what I never did when I had my heart set on it: I need to write out the intention, the plan, the expectation. I'm not sure I will be able to exorcise the whole thing unless I actually see it lain out before me.