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De-escalation
Apr. 2nd, 2024 01:40 amHad a heart-to-heart with my nesting partner tonight about recurring issues with my best friend. Thematically, it was surprising how much of the process echoed conversations we'd become fluent in long ago regarding romantic relationships: compatibility, natural ebbs and flows, "price of admission," and of course how difficult it is to de-escalate with love rather than just break up and never speak to them again.
And de-escalation looks like what needs to happen here.
This person has been my go-to for 4-6 of the past 8 years, when we went from distant Face-friends to bonding over shared caregiving traumas. Our friendship really solidified when we each started to confront our toxic fam-os and experiment with new boundaries, and deepened further through COVID solidarity, health scares, new phases of queerness, and the nonconsensual detachment of people who were once dear to us.
But sometime last year, she made the decision to stat processing more of that stuff with her therapist, and instead of that freeing up time to share interests or laugh and sing, it led to her calling less. And being more sensitive about when and how I asked to connect. And losing her temper more often for perceived slights (some of them were triggers rooted in childhood trauma, and I never tried to treat them otherwise, but it was like she needed to stay mad at me for weeks, even in instances where we misunderstood each other entirely, as part of her process).
I'd like to think I'd have a higher tolerance for it if she were more self-aware about it, but it's just given me more time to contemplate our incompatibilities: she compartmentalizes everything (sometimes baiting me with intentions and then snapping at me when I check on those intentions) and I'm pretty much the opposite; if I tell her I love something with the wrong emoji or punctuation, I'm talking down to her, but when she specifically says the behavior bothers her because it's something men do and I gently remind her that such phrasing is dysphoric for me I'm just making things worse.
My partner surprised and delighted me tonight when she asked, "She knows you're in love with her, right?" LOL and I thought I was so good at keeping that to myself! But the truth is, I fell out of feels last fall, when after the first of these squabbles I started to ask these questions. At the time, I thought it would make me a better friend -- and indeed, I feel like I've been more chill since, no longer wasting even neuron on some sort of misguided hope that a) we could be together some day and b) it wouldn't be a total shitshow if we were -- but her behavior hasn't really changed. Everything has to be on her terms, and the busier her life gets the harder it is to know what those terms are. She always initiates the schedule, and when she complains and I make suggestions, she gets frustrated and gives up.
(My nesting partner is magical and I'm so grateful we get each other this deeply. We are so lucky to be such a great team.)
All that solidarity and listening she used to offer in exchange for solidarity and listening through her problems? It's just not there, and it's inconvenient of me to ask when I should look for it. When we do hang out, it's more rushed and less deep.
What I don't think she sees and I do is that the chaos factor of the world around us is ramping up, and things are only going to get worse from here. Our best friends aren't just the people we can open up to when we have plenty of space to be vulnerable, but the people we have to trust not to mean us harm even when we're mad or confused by them, because there's other shit to deal with and no time for grudges and meticulous processing.
I have three best friends, and something I realized about this person (and to a different, more contained extent with the other two) is that I envision that nearing the level of platonic life partner. Whereas I think she only sees it as someone who is available to hold her when she's triggered. If, over time, her life leads to fewer triggers (and I'm so grateful this seems to be the case), I don't think she knows how to make space otherwise. I've never met her kids. I've never met her husband. We've never carpooled. To the best of my knowledge, she never knew I was in, nor now out, of love with her.
We just don't process the same way. Our ideals look very different. And in the trenches of 2024, she's not someone I'm going to be able to entrust in my vulnerable moments.
So I'm going to de-escalate, like I should have done last year. I don't know if I'll say anything or just stop trying (which is more cruel?), but I do know that I'm very content with the draw on my other close friendships and I don't feel like it would be appropriate or wise to try to shift the emotional load I used to save for her onto others. So I'm in the market for new friends, especially a new bestie. I even set up a profile on Bumble's friend app, 'cause why not?
And de-escalation looks like what needs to happen here.
This person has been my go-to for 4-6 of the past 8 years, when we went from distant Face-friends to bonding over shared caregiving traumas. Our friendship really solidified when we each started to confront our toxic fam-os and experiment with new boundaries, and deepened further through COVID solidarity, health scares, new phases of queerness, and the nonconsensual detachment of people who were once dear to us.
But sometime last year, she made the decision to stat processing more of that stuff with her therapist, and instead of that freeing up time to share interests or laugh and sing, it led to her calling less. And being more sensitive about when and how I asked to connect. And losing her temper more often for perceived slights (some of them were triggers rooted in childhood trauma, and I never tried to treat them otherwise, but it was like she needed to stay mad at me for weeks, even in instances where we misunderstood each other entirely, as part of her process).
I'd like to think I'd have a higher tolerance for it if she were more self-aware about it, but it's just given me more time to contemplate our incompatibilities: she compartmentalizes everything (sometimes baiting me with intentions and then snapping at me when I check on those intentions) and I'm pretty much the opposite; if I tell her I love something with the wrong emoji or punctuation, I'm talking down to her, but when she specifically says the behavior bothers her because it's something men do and I gently remind her that such phrasing is dysphoric for me I'm just making things worse.
My partner surprised and delighted me tonight when she asked, "She knows you're in love with her, right?" LOL and I thought I was so good at keeping that to myself! But the truth is, I fell out of feels last fall, when after the first of these squabbles I started to ask these questions. At the time, I thought it would make me a better friend -- and indeed, I feel like I've been more chill since, no longer wasting even neuron on some sort of misguided hope that a) we could be together some day and b) it wouldn't be a total shitshow if we were -- but her behavior hasn't really changed. Everything has to be on her terms, and the busier her life gets the harder it is to know what those terms are. She always initiates the schedule, and when she complains and I make suggestions, she gets frustrated and gives up.
(My nesting partner is magical and I'm so grateful we get each other this deeply. We are so lucky to be such a great team.)
All that solidarity and listening she used to offer in exchange for solidarity and listening through her problems? It's just not there, and it's inconvenient of me to ask when I should look for it. When we do hang out, it's more rushed and less deep.
What I don't think she sees and I do is that the chaos factor of the world around us is ramping up, and things are only going to get worse from here. Our best friends aren't just the people we can open up to when we have plenty of space to be vulnerable, but the people we have to trust not to mean us harm even when we're mad or confused by them, because there's other shit to deal with and no time for grudges and meticulous processing.
I have three best friends, and something I realized about this person (and to a different, more contained extent with the other two) is that I envision that nearing the level of platonic life partner. Whereas I think she only sees it as someone who is available to hold her when she's triggered. If, over time, her life leads to fewer triggers (and I'm so grateful this seems to be the case), I don't think she knows how to make space otherwise. I've never met her kids. I've never met her husband. We've never carpooled. To the best of my knowledge, she never knew I was in, nor now out, of love with her.
We just don't process the same way. Our ideals look very different. And in the trenches of 2024, she's not someone I'm going to be able to entrust in my vulnerable moments.
So I'm going to de-escalate, like I should have done last year. I don't know if I'll say anything or just stop trying (which is more cruel?), but I do know that I'm very content with the draw on my other close friendships and I don't feel like it would be appropriate or wise to try to shift the emotional load I used to save for her onto others. So I'm in the market for new friends, especially a new bestie. I even set up a profile on Bumble's friend app, 'cause why not?
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