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genderjumperFeeling a distinct loss of momentum in many directions, as well as the arrival of my seasonal mini-mania, which means my brain will be spinning a lot and doing so in negative directions -- if I allow it to. But if I don't allow it to, I run the risk of accomplishing nothing and accomplishing things is the heart of my discomfort...
Regarding work stuff... there was a huge project that wasn't so much too good to be true as it was too big to take on alone. There was one huge logistical piece that my potential collaborators thought would make or break the project, and they kept hitting dead ends, getting no response. I thought I'd test the waters myself after a great conversation with a peer I also happen to be dating, but so far nothing has come of it. I've also applied for some jobs I didn't hate, but who knows if or when I'd hear back. Meanwhile, I'm deepening my counter-colonial and non-capitalistic learnings, and constantly asking how to balance the two. I live in a capitalist society and I can see what I believe to be the rules that hurt the least to follow, but they require up-front investment (which I don't have) and a lot of salesmanship nagging that doesn't really appeal to me, either.
Essentially I'm trying to build something new, but I don't have the time or forum to brainstorm with others and the lack of direction means I'm not getting much proactive work done, either. I have no contracts in the pipeline and no prospects, but I have a ton of project drafts and ideas I could develop as proof of what I can do. But without certainty where to focus, they languish.
Meanwhile, the house is vexing as the weather starts to cool. A lot of little things wrong with solutions that may or may not work. Once again, money is a huge issue. My nesting partner and I might rebalance who handles the money around here (historically, it was a skill I had, but my anxiety was too bad to approach it for years). She basically sent me all her money last night but I'm not sure what to do with it first. I think she's more stressed than she lets on, and maybe she's trying to protect me from those feelings because she knows how anxious I get. In the course of trying to save a few bucks, I realized I've barely touched my files since my anxiety dropped, and wading through them feels like regression to a time when I was overwhelmed by everything. It's not a small problem and requires dedicated days to go through. The outside is just as disorganized, though I feel like if I could produce one bag of trash a day and tidy other stuff as I went, I'd be winning.
My body is in rebellion as well. I was pretty idle this summer, and some of the activity I tried to introduce may have done more harm than good. Muscles around my scapula are very angry with me (to the point of possible subluxation in or around my medial ribcage). I definitely need to bring yoga or something similar back into my life, but the routine is difficult.
That's the thing, isn't it? Crafting a routine that matches my neurodivergent traits and my unanchored lifestyle without reinforcing the society I'm trying to escape? I haven't tried in a long time. Maybe it could go differently this time?
Regarding work stuff... there was a huge project that wasn't so much too good to be true as it was too big to take on alone. There was one huge logistical piece that my potential collaborators thought would make or break the project, and they kept hitting dead ends, getting no response. I thought I'd test the waters myself after a great conversation with a peer I also happen to be dating, but so far nothing has come of it. I've also applied for some jobs I didn't hate, but who knows if or when I'd hear back. Meanwhile, I'm deepening my counter-colonial and non-capitalistic learnings, and constantly asking how to balance the two. I live in a capitalist society and I can see what I believe to be the rules that hurt the least to follow, but they require up-front investment (which I don't have) and a lot of salesmanship nagging that doesn't really appeal to me, either.
Essentially I'm trying to build something new, but I don't have the time or forum to brainstorm with others and the lack of direction means I'm not getting much proactive work done, either. I have no contracts in the pipeline and no prospects, but I have a ton of project drafts and ideas I could develop as proof of what I can do. But without certainty where to focus, they languish.
Meanwhile, the house is vexing as the weather starts to cool. A lot of little things wrong with solutions that may or may not work. Once again, money is a huge issue. My nesting partner and I might rebalance who handles the money around here (historically, it was a skill I had, but my anxiety was too bad to approach it for years). She basically sent me all her money last night but I'm not sure what to do with it first. I think she's more stressed than she lets on, and maybe she's trying to protect me from those feelings because she knows how anxious I get. In the course of trying to save a few bucks, I realized I've barely touched my files since my anxiety dropped, and wading through them feels like regression to a time when I was overwhelmed by everything. It's not a small problem and requires dedicated days to go through. The outside is just as disorganized, though I feel like if I could produce one bag of trash a day and tidy other stuff as I went, I'd be winning.
My body is in rebellion as well. I was pretty idle this summer, and some of the activity I tried to introduce may have done more harm than good. Muscles around my scapula are very angry with me (to the point of possible subluxation in or around my medial ribcage). I definitely need to bring yoga or something similar back into my life, but the routine is difficult.
That's the thing, isn't it? Crafting a routine that matches my neurodivergent traits and my unanchored lifestyle without reinforcing the society I'm trying to escape? I haven't tried in a long time. Maybe it could go differently this time?
