Weird quandary gets weirder...

[genderjumper]

I have a weird quandary that has emerged.

A couple days ago, a networking call started with the person expressing an interest in mentoring under me and explicitly said, "I'd be willing to compensate you for your time." I haven't considered such a dynamic before, suggested a package similar to other services I offer, and we went on with getting to know each other on the call. Along the way we had similar solidarity points, especially being white academics trying to decolonize and de-professionalize our research and other work.

Next day, I got a thank you email saying she can't afford to pay me but still wants to collaborate (we both agreed that was a long term goal).

I've drafted a lengthy reply (with lots of meta-communication about tone and good intentions) where I gently ask her why she offered to pay me anything if she didn't have it: is she bad at negotiating, does she no longer think I have anything of value to show her, etc? And offering alternatives such as barter, future profit-sharing, etc.

I showed it to my partner and she says it's cringe and she can't even read it all. She would have me just say thanks but no thanks but this is someone who genuinely said she wanted to learn from me, shares my professional interests and outlook, and seems to lack the bridges I have built out away from academia...

I usually trust my partner's insights but here I feel like she doesn't get what I'm doing and I am scared to ask others for input.

TL:DR: my partner thinks I'm too honest but I'm trying to offer my potential/reneging mentee a sample of exactly who I am and what I have to offer by reflecting on her unspoken assumptions. By email. Is this a bad idea, and if so which part(s)?

Comments

[flamingsword]

Being gentle is good, but doesn’t go over as well for some folks as being able to hear tone of voice (which people think is harder to fake, somehow). If you’re going to have that kind of communication, it does kinda need to be either in person or over voice for some people to be able to hear you instead of hearing the worst of their expectations for a challenging conversation.

Some people are too used to belittling, personally critical remarks in such a push-back and will absolutely be triggered no matter what you do. They will not be hearing you, they will be hearing the tapes that their shame plays for them. But they will absolutely blame you for that, and I don’t know if it’s worth it? Especially since you don’t know this person or how they handle things or what their traumas are like.

[genderjumper]

Excellent points, thank you. This is the feedback I needed.

[flamingsword]

I’m sorry the content of the feedback is disappointing, I know I struggle with this concept a lot with people I want to be friends with, also. But I have to remind myself that my authenticity (and theirs!) is for people who have put in the work of knowing me/them, and of building the kind of trusted rapport that could handle tough conversations that could touch on people’s shame about money or not being able to be as good as their word.

You are a warm person, and you have always been worthy of the trust I have placed in you. I wish that warmth and trust were a transitive property, like in math. But just because I know you doesn’t mean this new person does. I’m sorry, I know it probably feels weird and frustrated right now.

[genderjumper]

No, you're absolutely right. In fact, when I broached the topic with now-in-NY-dating-partner last night, they needled me like a therapist and dug out my leadership trauma from 2013. Turns out there was deeper shit going through my head.

I emailed the person today, very brief but positive, suggesting we talk live again because I have questions. We'll see where it goes from there.

Your further feedback here is exactly the kind of obvious to which I am oblivious. Thank you. I am never going to feel loved and supported (professionally or otherwise) if I just open up at the first sign they like what I do. I have to put in the work to make sure we see eye to eye, just as I would in a romantic relationship. Because people may see things in themselves that aren't accurate. And they may see things in me that aren't accurate either.